Democrats Vow to Ban Assault Cats

With social media suddenly and inexplicably recirculating news of the horrifying attack on a man — by his cat — in Bates Township, Michigan in 2005, the story of Joseph Stanton has taken center stage in the election circuit.  Stanton, then 29, was reportedly struck in the lower torso by a bullet after his cat allegedly knocked a loaded gun off the kitchen counter while he was busy cooking. According to Michigan State Police reports he was taken to the Iron County Community Hospital and no charges were filed against the cat.

Though news of the assault first broke over a decade ago, its resurgence into Facebookstagooglegram has not only prompted many people to share it, it has also caught the eye of Democratic Presidential hopefuls.

Said Hillary Clinton recently,

“You know, joining a gang is like having a family. It's feeling like you're part of something bigger than yourself. So we're either going to have gangs that murder and rob and do the things that are so destructive to the gang members and to the community. Or, we're going to have positive gangs. We're going to have positive alternatives for young people.”*

Told of the shooting in Michigan, she responded,

“America's gun violence epidemic is out of control. No more excuses — we need to act save lives. We need to hold these gun manufacturers accountable and we clearly need to ban assault cats. People should not live in systemic fear in their own home. They should not live in fear of cats or the police. These murderous felines have got to go. They're especially dangerous to children. They present a systemic risk. I used to work with the Children's Defense Fund.”**

Said Clinton's primary opponent, Bernie Sanders,

“It is immoral and unjust to leave tens of millions of Americans living in homes with potentially murderous cats. I'm motivated by a vision which exists with having peaceable household pets in every home, not just a handful. Now, go vote! This is a people's campaign! Vote Democrat, it's easier than working!”***

Later Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump weighed in.

“You know what were great cats? Sabertooth Tigers. Those were great cats, and they had tremendous teeth. If Sabertooth Tigers were alive today they'd be be American cats, if we let them. I had a cat once, it was the greatest cat. It was a Sabertooth Tiger. I should have sicced it on Rosie O'Donnell.”

Neither Ted Cruz, John Kasich or Vermin Supreme had commented on the matter as of press time, however we're confident all but the latter would have said something similarly inane.

Bates Township is a small town in Iron County, Michigan, adjacent to Ottawa National Forest and not too far from Lake Superior. Detroit is also in Michigan and there are cats there. According to the United States Census Bureau, Bates Township has a population of just over 1,000 people in roughly 450 households. Until this latest crime spree, Bates Township had never suffered crimes of this nature, nor for that matter any serious feline-related criminal activity. A cursory search of Iron County Sheriff's Office and Michigan State Police records failed to turn up any evidence this might be a serial crime and Iron County Sheriff Mark Valesano was unavailable for comment. Probably because we didn't ask.

*She really did say something this astonishingly stupid.

**She didn't say the stuff about the cats, but the rest of it is all her.

***We made this up, but it's what he would have said given the chance.

****Admit it. This is completely plausible, and is actually something we'd like to see. You can like Trump or not as you prefer, but you can't argue how cool it would be to have a sabertooth tiger.

Yes this article was moronic. But so is most of what we're hearing from the campaign trail — which you have to admit, because a lot of people believed this story. Plus, the cat really did shoot that guy. We didn't make up the cat part. It's not our fault drooling cretins sometimes run for office, or that gibbering idiots then vote for them.