Healing Behind The Rifle: A Marine Veteran’s Redemption Through Shooting

Several years ago, during the hardest time of my life, a friend of mine took me to a Precision Rifle Series match in order to get out for the day and hopefully forget my present circumstances. I had lost someone. And I learned just how far one can fall into despair.

To give you an idea of how far gone I was: I’d go four or five days without eating and not even notice. The only place I could sleep — if sleep came at all — was curled up in a closet, a 15-pound kettlebell pressed to my chest just to trick my nervous system into feeling safe. I’d wake mid-panic, vomit without warning, and collapse into uncontrollable tears every single day. The worst was when I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried, pull myself out of the closet and away from thoughts and ideations of suicide.

I knew I couldn’t change what was happening, but I could end the pain by placing a bullet where it hurt most, which was the only kind of control I felt I had left to myself. Looking back, I realized it wasn’t just the loss itself, but what it did to me that nearly broke me. Society tells us we should be “OK” with people coming and going. But I wasn’t OK, and I don’t think we’re meant to be.

A REASON TO STAY ALIVE

With support and conversations with others, I was able to get through the darkest parts of this years-long experience, and it got me to the thought of “I need to create a life that I want to stay alive for.” I needed to stack the year ahead with activities to look forward to, with goals to work toward. The first thing I did was buy a 12-month calendar that’s about 6 feet long and 4 feet tall and put it on my wall. I filled in the dates I had set to teach my firearms classes and other required events that I needed to appear for. Then, I looked around for stuff for myself. 

What I ended up remembering is when I was a kid, I had asked if there were shooting competitions because I’d like to do them. It never went anywhere. I figured, now I can make it go somewhere. I had recently made friends with Ash Hess of Knight’s Armament who had started the competition series Quantified Performance. 

The quick explanation I was given about the series was “fast shooting, long range, small targets” which sounded awesome and uniquely suited to me as it fit perfectly with the Scoped Carbine Courses that I teach.

CHARTING A NEW COURSE

I began plotting dates on my calendar wall. One competition a month. I got two rifles together for the comps that were nearly identical (in case one went down) and called my ammo sponsor Global Ordnance and talked to them about what I was planning to do. Having known the state I had been in, they were all on board to support whatever I could do to pull myself through and drive not only my skills but health to bigger and better places. 

Through the process of working through the preparations needed for the competitions I began to notice that I had a place I could set my mind and intentions to that took me away from the past and present. I decided I didn’t just want to shoot the competitions but that I wanted to compete, I wanted to do as best as I could and beat everyone I could. I had given myself a goal.

GETTING OUT, SHOWING UP

An added benefit to all this was that it got me out of the house, and into the sun, instead of inside a dark and quiet place for the day. I’ve been told that I tend to “isolate and hibernate” when I am feeling low, which I have come to find out is true for many men. The combination of factors required for shooting competitions innately combat depression, simply because they are tools that counteract it: movement, focus, being outside, planning, eating better, drinking a lot of water in the heat of the summers, being around people, and needing to be present in an environment surrounded by firearms.

In an emotional state such as the one described in the introduction I was stripped to my core — no defenses, confidence, security, nothing. Thinking about this prior to beginning shooting the competitions made it difficult to feel that I was up to it. To be frank, the only reason I did was simply because I had had so much time on the guns in the recent years that I simply thought “It’s just another day shooting,” which is what got me through. It was something second nature.

So, I set the goal of giving into my competitive nature and seeing where that took me. Whether that led to winning or not — just give into competitiveness. What I discovered doing so was that it meant that all excuses my mind could possibly make were canceled out by the desire to compete as highly as I could. This made me realize that competitive nature is stronger than any excuse your mind can give you if you just give into it first. This is in direct correlation to the desire to live versus giving up.

UNEXPECTED BROTHERHOOD

The firearms world is an alpha male dominated community that isn’t often thought of as a place where vulnerability and emotional support can be found. The truth I came to find is that it is exactly that. Being surrounded by other men from all walks of life, it is a melting pot of experiences, a lot of them being either relatable or similar. To give an example, in my first Quantified Performance match I had a “squad daddy” who was in charge of our stage briefs and making sure we were on track with what we were doing.

Every stage he was right there giving full support with words of affirmation and helpful tips that were communicated without ego. At first it didn’t seem like much to me, just someone having a good day. However, it was every single time and the consistency, as seemingly small as it might be, was profound. 

Through the day we got to talking and we had both been going through similar things the past year, and this was both of our first matches after our storms had passed. We had shared experiences, interests, goals, and a desire to heal and became instant friends who had shared vulnerability in an environment that was competitive and shared shooting tips and emotional tips as well so that we both could come out better.

DISCIPLINE THROUGH TRIAL

When I first came to realize my depression and its gravity, I was told to “find the signs that tell you you’re falling, then find the things that counteract that and do them every day.” Something that was a lot easier said than done, yet I did it. The process is one of trial and error. It took attention to small actions and inactions and changing them slightly for next time until they worked well. Doing so not only took discipline to make sure I was sticking to what I needed to do but patience with myself in doing so. A single competition can have eight stages. Each stage is a new opportunity to test out the process to see what works and doesn’t work.

Talking with other shooters about it helps as well. What’s fascinating to me is the same skills that can be used in shooting stages or competitions can perfectly relate to working through the competition of depression, which is what it is. You are competing against it to win. To do this you must keep your mind present in the now to better the future instead of allowing the past to interrupt your present and ruin your future.

HEALING IS A LIFELONG MATCH

I’d love to tell you that I’ve been able to come to a place of being permanently healed, and that it was all done through shooting Quantified Performance matches. However, I’m forced to tell the truth. Just as my shooting journey will never end, there is always more to do and more to learn and constant skill maintenance to conduct, so too is the truth with fighting for mental health. It never ends but hopefully it does get easier through developing habits that become so ingrained we don’t realize it anymore, a change in behavior and character for the better.

MY PATH, NOT THE ONLY ONE

The total amount of mental health benefits I’ve experienced from this journey are still yet to be discovered. I started off on this with the simple goal of doing something I like so I’ll want to stay alive to experience it. What I have found along the path was that although my chosen path to healing was through the catalyst of shooting competitions, there are many different paths in life you can choose to take.

My parameters for choosing what I did was: 1) I need to be outside in the sun and environment for its health benefits; 2) it needs to be something I have a real interest in so that it isn’t a passing interest that I may come to find I don’t actually like; and 3) it needs to be something I have to train and prepare for to fill the time in between matches. 

For others, it may be something totally different. I asked a friend of mine I had spoken with about my path and asked that they share theirs as well. One such story is that of Special Forces soldier Jon Porter, the friend who took me to my first Precision Rifle Series Match:

“One of the lowest and darkest times of my life I’ve experienced was a culmination of multiple combat deployments to both Afghanistan and Iraq from 2010 to 2015, that ultimately ended my decade-long marriage. I was the embarrassing story you usually hear about from the lower enlisted on their first deployment. Wife cheats on deployed soldier with another soldier. Not the typical behavior of a seasoned Green Beret’s wife. It sent me into a high-risk adrenaline-seeking feint. When in reality, I was in an alcohol-fueled depressive dive.

“I needed something to help me out of my rut of feeling sorry for myself. I had just become an instructor with the Special Forces Advanced Urban Combat Course (SFAUC) Committee with 1st Special Forces Group and was surrounded with high-caliber Green Berets with a competitive drive for shooting. I was invited to my first local USPSA competition, and I was hooked. But not for why you would think. At the time, PCC was a new division, and I thought I’d do well. Nope. I was the bottom 3rd of my division. Fat old men and teenage girls beat me. I was determined to surpass them, which is what I needed to achieve my newfound goal: win a local competition.

“In a few months’ time, I won my first competition. In the winter of 2019, I attained a PCC Grandmaster classification. The following year, I was the 2020 USPSA PCC Washington State Champion. Goal setting was a powerful tool in beating depression. I set a challenging but reachable goal, then raised the bar higher and higher as I achieved milestones. Before I knew it, I stopped drinking to perform better and completely forgot I was depressed about my personal issues because I was too busy chasing excellence.”

CONTINUING ON

During my time competing and striving for more, then taking breaks in competition due to moving across country, and other life matters taking place, there have been other realizations that have shown me even more how valuable competing is. 

While competing life doesn’t feel as though it is stagnating or plateauing. There’s always another comp in a different area or versus different people to compare your current skills against. This directly mirrors personal and emotional growth in that relationships are the ultimate reflection of self.

To understand where you’ve grown, versus where you think you have grown, you must step out and compete or socialize with people. Your home and/or your local gravel pit where you shoot trash or turn live into brass is not a reflection of how good you are or where you measure up against others or the world — you must step out of your comfort zone and step into a challenge, then reflect upon your course of action, the why, the intent, the reason for what you did and how it led you to how well you did or did not do. 

The best part? This is true for all trials, competitions, or challenges. It is mentally, physically, and emotionally stimulating to do so, so long as you take the time to reflect.

Why you can trust RECOIL

---

Since our founding in 2012, RECOIL remains the premier firearms lifestyle publication for the modern shooting enthusiast. We deliver cutting-edge coverage of guns, gear, accessories and technology. We go beyond basic reviews, providing no B.S. buyer’s guides, hands-on testing and expert analysis on everything from firearms and survival equipment to watches and vehicles. 

Our reviewers are the backbone of our operation and come from diverse shooting backgrounds: Former law enforcement, military veterans, competitive shooters, seasoned hunters and plain old firearms enthusiasts. Furthermore, we’re not just gun experts, but dedicated journalists who adhere to the strictest standards of our profession. 

At RECOIL, editorial independence is the foundation of everything we publish and the cornerstone of reader trust. Our editors, writers and content creators make all editorial decisions independently, free from outside influence. That boils down to: advertisers don’t dictate our coverage, the outcomes of our reviews or what we recommend in our buyer’s guides. First and always, our commitment is to our audience—ensuring every review and article is accurate, unbiased, and driven by real-world experience. 

Whether you’re selecting your next firearm, upgrading your gear, or exploring the latest innovations in the shooting world, RECOIL provides the trusted insights you need to make informed decisions. Learn more about our Editorial Standards and how we review products.

NEXT STEP: Download Your Free Target Pack from RECOIL

For years, RECOIL magazine has treated its readers to a full-size (sometimes full color!) shooting target tucked into each big issue. Now we've compiled over 50 of our most popular targets into this one digital PDF download. From handgun drills to AR-15 practice, these 50+ targets have you covered. Print off as many as you like (ammo not included).

Get your pack of 50 Print-at-Home targets when you subscribe to the RECOIL email newsletter. We'll send you weekly updates on guns, gear, industry news, and special offers from leading manufacturers - your guide to the firearms lifestyle.

You want this. Trust Us.